Friday, May 13, 2016

A SPECIAL PIECE FOR FRIDAY THE 13TH...

PSYCHOPATHS ARE PEOPLE TOO...

Hello beasties!

Please note: This post and the attached prose piece are extremely silly; a little dark - but definitely silly.

Just a quick bonus post today because it's Friday The 13th and I woke up this morning with a very silly idea in my head. Regular readers will know that I like to put monsters and all manner of strange beasties into ordinary everyday scenarios to see how they cope... How do werewolves pay the bills? Can ghosts hoover or aren't they bothered? How does a vampire check if he's looking good if he can't see his reflection in the mirror? These are the issues in life that probably worry me the most...

That's all well and good and I've covered the answers to those questions in my writing before - but today we look at another aspect of this subject... What happens when your common and garden psychopath gets caught short just as he's planning to kill? Does Jason Voorhees ever get the runs? Does Michael Myers ever need a good lie-down because he's simply over-done it a bit down the gym?

Read on and find out... Maybe.

Oh, and by the way I'm thinking of doing my own podcast - although if I do then I won't be releasing anything until the Autumn, by which time I hope to have a few episodes ready to post. 

I'd like to record some segments whilst I'm out and about in Amsterdam in June - not to mention any other trips that I'm having before September. The show will tentatively be called THE SHY LIFE PODCAST and will cover all kinds of pop culture things - both old and new - which yeti like. I'll probably make each episode between half an hour and forty five minutes long and include a few special guests and maybe the occasional daft verse or story. I recently read an article that said that the best length for a podcast is 22 minutes - but quite frankly all the ones I listen to are, at least, thirty minutes long - or even up to two or three hours in length! Not that I'll make mine that long... (OOOER) 



Anyway, more information when I have it - probably when I've fully worked out the best ways of recording, editing and releasing a podcast... *I know some stuff, luckily*

Next time - probably early next week - I have an interview to share with you from The Beargrrrian Gazette - it's actually the first of two interviews that I'm involved in - but they're both quite different... Our first one is a print interview about my writing - the second is... Well, I'm giving away too much - I'll say more nearer the time!

Enjoy your Friday The 13th and remember - psychopaths are people too!

That said, please avoid them - especially the ones in high offices of power - they tend to be harder to catch than just the ordinary kind... QUICK!!! RUN!!!

More soon!

Yeti hugs...

Paul xx

P.S. This prose piece was written on Friday 13th May 2016, especially for Friday 13th!!

P.P.S. To my knowledge the next photo is not of a psychopath - although I guess he could be an incredible kitty killer and none of us know it... Anyway, it's photo of Deeley hanging out with his pals - thank you to Toby for taking it! The other two photos are not of psychopaths either - just daft yeti.

Additional note: The following prose piece should be read with a pinch of salt. Psychopaths are horrid, I know that - only you never seem to see them in "real" situations when they appear in films! Anyway, the idea of a psychopath needing the loo just at the crucial moment is one that makes me giggle. Sorry.


PRACTICAL PSYCHOPATHY...


Eyes alert!
She's making her way home - my next victim...
And as far as I can tell she's not seen me yet...
I've been watching her since she left the club...
She left her friends back at the bar...
Silly girl - she shouldn't be so trusting;
But then, on the other hand -
She has no idea that I've chosen her...
This is something to be celebrated - to appreciate;
She's the lucky one - one of the privileged few!
I'll follow her now, until we reach her destination -
She's so engrossed in her phone -
That she'll probably never notice me as I creep up behind her -
Even though I look a little odd...
But you simply have to dress up for these moments...
A killer needs a disguise and my chef's hat works well -
It's a little too big and it falls over my eyes...
Here I am, holding my especially sharpened spatula...
Tonight I am really in the mood...
It's the old blood-lust back again...

Only! Only... 
I drank way too much tonight -
And I really need to wee...

She will keep...
There will be other nights...

Eyes alert!
He's been staring at me all evening -
Has he nothing better to do with himself?
I guess not - every one needs a hobby, don't they?
I can't tell whether he loves me or loathes me...
He's scowling, but kind of smiling at the same time...
He's never seen a woman who looks quite like me...
He likes a challenge, I'd say... It turns him on...
Well, I know exactly what I want to do with him -
Oh yes, he's really got it coming now...
If I play my cards right and can lure him back to the car -
Then I have a flame-thrower in the boot...
Or failing that I always carry a syringe -
That contains something... paralyzing...
Of course, that is only just the start -
I've got plans for once we get somewhere quiet -
Somewhere isolated out in a wood,
Where nobody will here him when he screams...
He'll see what I intend soon enough...
I do very much like being the spider to flies like him!

Only! Only... 
I really shouldn't have had that tequila...
Because now I've got myself SUCH a migraine...

Oh well, he'll keep...
There will be other nights...

Eyes alert!
So, those two want company, do they?
They've not seen me before -
I'm new meat to them...
Ironic, really - they are the same to me...
I could make a dinner party out what I see there before me;
Serve up salad, some garlic bread - a nice steak...
They have no idea - a pair of numskulls -
Simply staring back; giving me those cheap come-ons...
Thinking about it they're probably a lot older than they'd like me to know...
Still, maybe if they've kept up a good moisturizing regime -
Then, at very least, they'll be fit for the casserole dish...
Do you know what - I hadn't planned this tonight...
I'd hoped for a night off - hoped to be left alone -
To just have a few drinks and a quick hobble around the dance-floor...
But those two just won't leave me alone..
They've clearly already included me in their plans...
If they push me to join them then it'll be their down-fall...
Ultimately, they'll get exactly what they deserve... 

Only! Only... 
I really shouldn't have had that curry...
Because I really need to poo...

It's poor timing, for sure...
But sometimes the realities - 
The practicalities of life kick in...
Even when you're psychopath...

Not to worry, aye!?
They will keep!
There will be other nights...

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016

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Sunday, May 08, 2016

SHY YETI (ALMOST) GETS THE BOOK THROWN AT HIM!!

SHY YETI AND THE MAGIC OF THE LIBRARIANS...

Hello beasties!!

Welcome May! April was a busy one... May May be a little calmer! (That's a dreadful sentence!!) I've a holiday coming up towards the end of the month - but more about that nearer the time...

We're back to posting once a week for the moment - having released the first season of KENSINGTON GORE last week... I am taking a break from all that this week by sharing with you another rather daft Shy Yeti sketch... I've been enjoying writing these silly little Shy Yeti sketches and as I may or may not have said already (I've forgotten, I'm pretty old now, remember!) I've decided that I'd like to do a few more and eventually put them into a book - potentially entitled A SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK... But we shall see when and if that comes to pass, when and if it does... I'd certainly like it to!!

Next time I've got a new interview to share with you from those nice people at THE BEARGRRRIAN GAZETTE. Whilst I'm here, though - may I remind you of my Poetry Café show in July:


Before I go I really ought to leave you with all the KENSINGTON GORE information that you need to know... It goes a little like this...
 

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99

Thank you again for your support and to all those who have already bought their copies, thank you all the more! Enjoy the sketch - as the title confirms, it involves librarians - a profession close to my own heart!

Don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.

More soon...

Yeti hugs...

Paul xx

P.S. This piece was written between Thursday 31st March and 27th April 2016.

SHY YETI AND THE MAGIC OF THE LIBRARIANS...

SETTING THE SCENE:

Shy Yeti is out on the town with his two friends, married yeti couple Chas and Maxine - who he was at University with... All three of them studied to be librarians, however Shy rapidly became distracted and moved into writing, poetry and journalism (amongst other daft pursuits) and hasn't catalogued anything in years. The three yeti meet in a Kensington bar called The Disgruntled Yak and talk over the old days.

CHAS: (slightly teasing)

So how's the showbiz life, Shy?

MAX: (almost sarcastic)

Yes, tell us... What's new? Wooed any tip top starlets lately? Won any major awards?

SHY: (slightly put out, but trying not to show it)

Don't be daft! I don't woo... Well, not recently... The last famous person I saw had actually been dead about a decade, but was so bored with lying in his grave that he'd made the decision to come back as a zombie... Turns out it's truly revived his career - but you can never predict which way it will go... Audiences aren't always so kind and accommodating!

CHAS: (curious)

Who was it?!

SHY: (confused)

Who was it, what?

MAX: (keen to learn the answer)

The former star who came back as a zombie?

SHY: (vaguely)

Oh, I don't remember his name - watch the breakfast news tomorrow, though - I think he's presenting...

CHAS: (with pretend grumpiness)

You're useless... What's the point of knowing a yeti who's in the know - if he's forgotten who it is that he actually knows!

SHY: (beginning to waffle)

But that whole world is just dull, dull, dull - there's nothing more boring than a really famous person; all they want to talk about is themselves, when I'm clearly always the most exciting person in the room... Well, unless you two are about and then it's evens... Come on - that's what I want to know about - what exactly are you two up to? How's the world of librarying?

CHAS: (modestly playing down the obvious excitement of library work)

Oh, you don't want to know about all that...

SHY: (over-enthusiastic)

Oh, golly gee, do I! I want to know every last thing! How many bar-codes have you beeped? How many customers have you set the big dogs on because they couldn't afford to pay their over-due fines? Where are your shelving trolleys? Are they all oiled up and ready to go? Do you really race them down the aisles after lights out? Is it true that thick spectacles and putting your head fur into a bun has been out-lawned by the EU? I need to know the answers to all of these questions - and now!

MAX: (crossly)

Well, to respond to your last point I'm afraid the answer is yes - but we've all gone out in protest and wear our back fur in a bun just to stick two claws up at those who rule...

SHY: (supportively)

Too right! Oh, this is fascinating!

MAX: (kindly mocking)

Seriously... I don't know why you ever left the business - you must be the only yeti I know who finds the inner workings of libraries even vaguely interesting...

CHAS: (clearly having thought about this subject for some time)

I mean we love it too, but then we enjoy counting staples and sniffing first editions... It's literally what we do - not just at work but also for fun... You have the eye of a groupie when it comes to these places - I'd say that we're more like slightly over-interested stalkers... Only we shower slightly more often!

MAX: (chipping in)

Well, we'd need to, dear - after all we go on holidays specifically to sift through the dust of ancient encyclopaedias... You need a good scrub after an afternoon spent doing that...

CHAS: (chuckling)

Yes, indeed! We do love our books - there's no doubting that... I expect you remember our wedding?

SHY: (clearly with slightly mixed feeling, but smiling as he speaks)

I do! Didn't the good people from Dewey design your outfits? Now that was quite something... I must say, I've never felt quite the same about "looking up a word in the dictionary" ever since. Still, it really was a special day...

CHAS/MAX: (in unison)

Aww...

SHY: (insistent)

Come on, you two - you must have something juicy to tell me... Something bookish!

CHAS: (unsure)

Well, I guess... Max/ Do you think we'd be allowed to share our story about you-know-what... (he winks)

MAX: (beaming)

Oh... That course we took recently... Yes! Why not?

SHY: (becoming increasingly keen)

A course? A library course?! Golly gosh? What did it involve? Some kind of new classification scheme?

CHAS: (unsure how to put it)

Not exactly... Possibly even more exciting than that even... It's a form of... MAGIC!? Would that be over-playing it, Max?

MAX: (in agreement)

Oh no... No... It really is like magic... Yes, yes... I'd definitely call it that...

SHY: (fascinated)

Oh, good grief! This is amazing... What ever is it called? Do tell...

MAX/CHAS: (in unison)

SHHH STUDIES... 

SHY: (clapping his paws as he queries the spelling)

Two H's? No three?!

MAX/CHAS: (enjoying his enthusiasm)

Yes, three...

SHY:

Oh my! (Fanning self) I don't think I can bear the excitement... Tell me more! How does it work?

CHAS: (thinking through his response)

It's hard to explain... To be honest, you should probably see it in action!! (he turns to his wife)

MAX: (nodding, slightly smirking)

Yes, we can do that... Fancy another drink, Shy? Same again?

SHY: (not realising yet that this is part of the demonstration)

Sure... Yes... That would be nice... Thank you...

CHAS: (whispering as Maxine hurries off)

Just you watch...

SHY DOES JUST THAT AND OBSERVES MAXINE STRIDING CONFIDENTLY TOWARDS THE BAR... THE DISGRUNTLED YAK IS QUITE BUSY NOW AND CHATTER FILLS THE AIR, NOT TO MENTION THE SOUND OF MUSIC FROM THE JUKE BOX... WHEN MAXINE REACHES THE BAR IT IS HARD FOR THE BAR MAN TO HEAR HER AND SO SHE SIGHS, RAISES HER FORE-FINGER AND SHHHHH'S EVERYBODY STANDING THERE... THE WHOLE AREA FALLS SILENT, EVEN THE MUSIC STOPS; CHAS GRINS AND LOOKS BACK AT A SURPRISED SHY...

CHAS: (grinning)

Impressive, aye!?

SHY: (almost unable to believe his own eyes)

Wow!! That was awesome! Do it again! Do it again!! Do it again!!

TIMES PASSES, SO DOES THE LOCATION...

Chas, Maxine and Shy are sitting in a park, enjoying the sun - when, despite all the other grassy space available to them, a group of noisy teens arrive and start kicking a ball around right there in front of the group. After a moment or two Max and Chas stand up and put their fingers to their lips - ushering a loud SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! for all to hear. The kids pause - then start playing again, but this time they tip-toe and do not say a single word...

NEXT WE SEE CHAS, MAXINE AND SHY IN ANOTHER LOCATION...

Chas, Maxine and Shy are wandering around a local zoo - they are enjoying seeing the tigers, the mongoose, the giraffe and the penguins - but every time the animals start to make noises and each time they get SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHed by Max and Chas... As a result the animals line up politely, stop bellowing and allow them all to take photos, posing patiently...

LATER, BACK HOME WHILST THEY ARE EATING A TAKE-OUT CHINESE MEAL...

First we see Max shhhing the microwave which then stops buzzing and goes completely mute - next we see Chas SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHing a boy band who are singing on the television and then look suitably chastised once they hear the command, filing off the screen with their heads bowed in shame. Shy opens a bottle of wine and the cork makes a popping noise and then a glug-glug noise when the contents are poured - Chas and Max shhh it and everything is relaxingly quiet again. Finally, as they all get ready for bed we see a flower growing in a pot and both Chas and Max shhh it - the flower grows more quietly and Shy is just giggling in the background, impressed. He is also shhh-ed and goes miraculously silent... It really *is* magic!!

NEXT DAY, SHY IS ABOUT TO DRIVE HOME AND THE THREE FRIENDS ARE ABOUT TO SAY THEIR FAREWELLS...

SHY: (genuinely sad to be going)

Well, it's been lovely to see you both... Thank you so much for the chinese and for putting me up last night - it was really nice not to have to drive home afterward...

CHAS: (jovial)

Well, we couldn't let you do that... It was no problem! I do hope we didn't freak you out with our magic tricks...

SHY: (still in awe)

No, no... Not at all... I just wish I knew how you did it... The world of librarying has certainly changed since my day!

MAX: (modestly)

There's no real trick to it... Just concentrate and get shushing...

SHY IS STILL CHUCKLING ABOUT THIS IN THE DRIVE HOME - HE IS SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THE DAY THAT HE DOES NOT NOTICE THAT HE IS GOING SLIGHTLY FASTER THAN HE SHOULD BE - BUT A POLICE MAN DOES AND STOPS HIM IN HIS TRACKS...

OFFICER: (sternly)

Do you realise that you were travelling at 10 miles over the speed limit for this area, Sir? You may think it's not a pedestrian area - but there are squirrels here and some of them will be out nut collecting!

SHY: (apologetically)

I realise that and yes - I'm sorry - I only noticed once I saw your car... I should have been paying more attention!

OFFICER:

And is there anything you'd like to say about that in your defence?

SHY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MOMENT AND THEN BEGINS TO SHH...

OFFICER: (grinning)

Was that a SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!

SHY:

Err... No... I'm SHHHURE that I'll just pay the fine and be more alert next time...

OFFICER:

No fine this time, sir... Just a warning... (he pauses and then lowers his tone) I'm not saying that you were - but I do hope you've got a valid Library Association membership card, sir... You do realise that it's a crime to use a shhh without a license; especially if you don't have a valid Library Association membership card... My boyfriend's a librarian, sir - this is how I happen to know these things...

You win some - you lose some, but Shy was certainly very glad that he'd not let out the full SHHHHH in front of the Policeman and he hasn't dared try it out since...

Some may believe that a good shhh never hurt anyone, but apparently you do need the appropriate paperwork!
 
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016

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