Wednesday, May 04, 2016

WHO? ME?! A CAT ON TRIAL...


AN INNOCENT FACE IF EVER THERE WAS ONE... (YEAH, RIGHT!)

Hello beasties!!

This post - our second this week - is a relatively short prose piece which was inspired by Mr Deeley's continuing cheekiness; yet, such lovable cheekiness! He really did tig the second hand of the clock, by the way - even though the clock was at least six foot up... Well, when I say that I don't mean he leapt that high (although he does throw his cat-nip mouse that high) but he did climb on top of the bookshelf which is, at least, that high. He loves a good leap about, does Deeley - not bad for a cat who is nearly eleven and a half!




























































































































Next time I have another Shy Yeti sketch to share with you - this one is all about the magic of libraries!! Oh yes, indeed! Before we move onto to today's prose piece might I remind you of my new script-novel that came out at the weekend...

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99

If my poetry is more you cup of tea then also, please don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2. I won't even mention my new collection of poems and stories, A YETI WAY OF THINKING - you must know all about that by now... (Does that count as a mention, maybe just a little one... Oh well!)

That's it for now - more soon - enjoy the up-coming cat business!!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

WHO? ME?!

A cheeky but lovable cat addresses human claims of feline mischievousness; accusations as follows:

Found on the top of the book-shelf attempting to tig the second hand on the clock as it ticked by...

Who? Me?

I was helping out! I was just trying to knock the dust off... Not to mention that nobody appears to have noticed that the clocks had changed; I was attempting to set the correct time. Do I get any thanks? No. No, I do not. It's a cat's life - it really is! Exploited... Taken advantage of! You don't get any appreciation - not one little bit... What is worse that isn't even the end of it!!

Over-heard purring flirtatiously at a neighbour and later spotted following them home to eat a sneaky plate of tuna in their back-yard...

Who? Me?

That's a terrible thing to say about someone... Flirting!? Can't a cat just say hello without being accused of trying to elope with a human - I mean, it's usually them who make the initial advances anyway! Two-legged-floozies, that they are! I'll have you know that it was all very innocent - and as for the tuna, surely it would have appeared rude to have said no or turned my back on such a kind offer!? I mean, what would you have done if you'd been offered a plate of choccie biscuits? Ignored them! Ha! I don't believe you...

Witnessed yawning near a small child, without putting his paw over his mouth... A potential health and safety nightmare!

Who? Me?

Before I even begin to defend myself on this one, I would like to query where the parents were? Is is really safe to leave a small child on its own? Should they not be chaperoned? I certainly did not enter its environment; it approached me. I am curious as to what is being inferred by this accusation? What is it? I yawned so hard and so wide that had things been different I might have sucked said creature into some vortex and swallowed it!?! Seriously!?! I'm not actually large enough that a whole human could become lost inside my stomach! Sure, I did have a yawning fit one afternoon not so long ago whilst out in the garden and a reasonably large pot-plant did edge a few meters across the garden towards me - but I was never in danger of swallowing it. I make no comment on the whereabouts of next door's rabbit. That was clearly the work of a greedy fox.


Sighted, poking around in the bins out in the yard - snooping about and reading through old credit card statements...

Who? Me?

I never would - I resent these insinuations, you know... "Snooping!?" As if?! I'll have you know that I was actually trying to clear up the mess left by one of those unruly foxes, as mentioned previously, who live in the area. That said, it is rather interesting how much my human spends on himself compared to how much he spends on me... A new pair of Converse (or two) for him... A couple of tins of CostCutter "best" tinned tuna for me... I see now where his priorities lie! There will be no more sitting on his knee and purring during "Neighbours" for him and far more "being woken up at 3am by me licking him in the eyes..." Just saying!


Discovered torturing a member of the mouse population by issuing violent threats of death...

Who? Me?

What an out-rage?! As if I would do such a thing? What was I supposedly after? I'm certainly not interested in playing with them - not unless it's a cheeky game of crib and I'm not the sort of cat who likes to chew on every passing rodent! I'm no psycho? So what else could I have been after? Their cheese?! Nonsense! Don't you know that I have a dairy allergy... I only ever drink soya and cheese gives me both wind and a  rash! **What you might have heard was not me giving the young mouse some manner of threatening mew but actually me singing - yes, SINGING!! To be precise I was rocking the little fella to sleep by singing it a rather lovely and gentle lullaby... May I remind you that due to my human's unreasonable behaviour I was sent down to the vet when just a kitten and I have never been able to have a family of my own... The occasional mice or injured bird that comes my way are the nearest thing that I have to children - to family of my own... I do not attempt to adopt them - but usher them back to where they belong in the hope that they might one day come back to me... I am happy to foster any such individual who might be homeless... Again, rumours that I invite them to come lay down and sleep on my tongue are just further examples of anti-feline prejudice.

Witnessed, out in the neighbours yard at 2am, staring at a strange cat. Ignored all calls and had to be chased back into the house by his angry bare-footed human. The same thing happened AGAIN the following morning.

Who? Me?

Sure, I accept that I'm a house-cat and am happy with that and I appreciate being allowed to sit in the yard because it can be quite a busy area. I can explain my behaviour partly due to the influence of the moon and also I saw a cat who owed me money. I'm terribly sorry I didn't come when called - I had my earphones in. I had my Atomic Kitten Best Of collection playing. It's my very favourite. When you saw me the next day I believe I was sleep-walking. I mean, I had been up late - not of my own choice, mind - again I blame the moon again. Oh, and listening to too much Atomic Kitten...

Viewed - attempting to sort through the cheese selection in the fridge... with his teeth!!

Who? Me?

Now I won't deny it - some cats do like cheese, but not me... I'm more into salami - but there was none of that left... I mean... I was actually attempting to tidy up - much as I was with the litter bin out in the yard, as accused earlier... If you want to know who was really responsible for the missing cheese then all I can do is point a claw towards a friend of mine... Now I don't like to grass people up - but neither do I like to be accused of doing things that I haven't done... So who is the guilty party? Well, his name is Cyril and it's a real no-brainer when you realise that he is actually a mouse... Yes! A cat-nip mouse, mind - but what's the difference!? A cat-nip mouse is just a mouse who attempts to addle cats brains by smelling so... so... catnippy! The number of cats who have done bad things under the influence of cat-nip is simply amazing and yet humans simply don't realise! I mean - they often bring the stuff into the the house themselves and then act surprised when something odd has happened... Not me, mind - but some felines do quite outrageous things...

JUDGE:

Which brings us to the final charge...

Photographed... Perched on the very top of the Christmas tree...

Who? Me?

No, sir... That wasn't me... As I said, no doubt some poor kitty was under the influence of cat-nip... But can you blame them! It was Christmas... I do admit that it does look a little like me... But no... Surely not... I mean... Those do look like my legs... I'm not sure I carry off the whole fairy-look that well - although sure, the wings and halo kind of suit me - I'm just not sure about the tutu. The wand looks good too. Oh, that's not a wand. Okay! You know, I think a better option, had I been a little less blotto, would have been to have dressed as the star... Still, I guess I look okay... Can I get a print of that one, your honour? It would be nice to send it to mother, maybe... No?

JUDGE:

THIS CAT IS GUILTY!! SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS HARD LABOUR, OTHER-WISE KNOWN AS HOOVERING... DON'T DO IT AGAIN! BAD PUSS!! COURT DISMISSED.

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016. All photos taken by Paul Chandler, except for the penultimate one - by Toby Warburton.

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Sunday, May 01, 2016

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON ONE IS HERE!!!

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1 RELEASED!


Hello beasties!

As of today the first season of KENSINGTON GORE is released - my second script series of 2016! It's time to celebrate... Okay, well - you've not read it yet - so maybe it's a bit soon; but I'll be in a corner somewhere celebrating with Deeley, as I'm just very pleased that it's out there and available! *launches some doves and a balloon or two*

KENSINGTON GORE focuses on a trio of friends who care-take a mysterious apartment block in the Kensington Gore area of London. They are Katrina, Warren and Lucy (who also featured in THE BEAST OF FRIENDS script-series) and on this occasion their troubles come from a herd of vampire cows and also from an infamous serial killer! New jobs are never easy; especially when you could end up dead!                

Hardback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/kensington-gore-season-one/hardcover/product-22663909.html £14.99

Paperback Ed: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/kensington-gore---season-one/18237784 £7.99


Coming up next are some extracts from the new series. I hope they work as a tantalising glimpse of what's in store - without giving too much away!

EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT ONE:

VAMPIRE COWS MAKE VERY BAD PETS...


WARREN: (not sounding too pleased)

I’m not planning on a late night! Anyway, I’ve been thinking… Mother told me recently that most vampires have a way of resisting the sun… Is she right?

KATRINA: (in agreement, but disapproving)

She is indeed – certainly from what I’ve heard… It’s progress – for them, not us!

WARREN:

But your cows; they’re not going to be quite so technologically advanced, I take it?

KATRINA:

No… I don’t suppose so… Are you trying to say that they’ll come home when the sun comes up? Because if you are then I’m afraid you’ve forgotten something…

WARREN: (curious)

Oh yes and what’s that then?

KATRINA:

Well, they’re not fully vampire any more – in fact they’re as good as back to normal except for the odd half-hearted attempt at turning themselves into bats…

WARREN:

Well, one way or another we still need to round up the herd…

KATRINA: (thoughtfully, in agreement)

For sure! We’ll do it… But maybe it is going to be too dark to look properly now – I think perhaps we should come back at dawn and try and round up the cows then…

WARREN:

That sounds a much better idea! Just as long as they don’t chew anyone over-night!

KATRINA: (slightly irritated)

Don’t be silly… No! None of them have fangs… They can cause no harm…

WARREN: (sounding confident)

Okay! If you say so… You know best! (mutters) I hope you know best…

THE TWO WALK AWAY AND WE SEE THE PARK AT DUSK – ONE OF THE VAMPIRE COWS STANDS EATING IN THE MOONLIGHT AND AS IT DOES SO HER GUMS UNDERGO A RAPID TRANSFORMATION – SHE IS NO LONGER WITHOUT HER FANGS FOR THEY HAVE COMPLETELY GROWN BACK…

COW: (bovinely)
MOOOO! MOOOOO! MOO! MOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!


EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT THREE:

THAT MAN'S MAKING EYES AT ME


DOWN BY THE SERPENTINE WARREN AND KATRINA ARE RELIEVED TO FIND THE AREA WHERE THE COWS ARE COMPLETELY DESERTED...

WARREN: (wrinkling his nose in disgust)

Oh my goodness… I think I trod in something nasty…

KATRINA: (growing increasingly nervous)

Don’t think about it… Come on… They seem calm enough – let’s herd them home! They can’t fly there because they’ve all had their wings docked… Although I must admit – they do appear to be growing them back at rather a rapid speed…

COWS: (in unison): MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

KATRINA: (speaking to the cows)

Yes… Thank you… I hear you… Let’s just get you back somewhere safe…

WARREN: (curious/excited)

Do you actually understand them, Katrina?

KATRINA: (slightly impatiently)

What do you take me for? Doctor Doolittle? No, I don’t… I’m busking it…

WARREN:

So… What you were saying earlier… Has somebody actually done this to these cows? Turned back what you reversed so they are back being dangerous again…

KATRINA:

Something like that… Although I have no idea how stable they are – or unstable I should probably say… Oh dear! Come on now girls… Let’s keep going…

WARREN: (growing concerned again)

Oh blimey… This isn’t good… Look ahead… This is the last thing we need right now – what are we going to do about this? Eden is going to murder us!

KATRINA LOOKS UP AND COMING TOWARDS THEM DOWN THE ROAD, ABOUT TO PARK IN THE ADJACENT CAR PARK IS THE SAME COACH THAT LUCY RECENTLY SAW PASSING BY THE ROYAL ALBERT HALL. SUDDENLY THE COWS BECOME AGITATED – THEY ARE NO LONGER HEADING THE WAY THAT KATRINA AND WARREN WERE TRYING TO DIRECT THEM, BUT INSTEAD ARE NOW COMING STRAIGHT FOR THE COACH OF TOURISTS…

COWS: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

EXTRACT FROM SCRIPT FIVE:

EVEN THE GUILTY ARE INNOCENT SOMETIMES


MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE… KATRINA AND DR MATT AND THEIR DRIVER ARE TRAVELLING IN ONE OF TWO BIG LORRIES FULL OF COWS… KATRINA AND MATT ARE SITTING UP BACK SO ARE ABLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE COWS, ALTHOUGH THEY HAVE LIMITED VISION OF WHERE THEY ARE – STILL, THERE IS EVEN A MINI-KITCHEN, WHICH IS RATHER NICE…

KATRINA: (her voice trembling slightly)

Well, there is no denying it – this is a sad day; but it’s definitely for the best…

DR MATT: (reassuring)

You’re doing the sensible thing – the only option we really have… We’ll get these cows well again, that’s the main thing – important for the cows and important for the tourists of London who we don’t want becoming their innocent victims…

KATRINA: (sadly)

It makes them sound so very cruel when you put it that way; but they don’t know what they’re doing! I’m still concerned that we don’t know who re-infected them!

DR MATT: (sounding deadly serious)

That’s understandable… You need to be careful if you want to investigate that though – not only might it lose you your job, but it could get you killed…

KATRINA: (slightly cockily)

I am a witch, you know… Nobody can just kill me – I’d put a spell on you…

DR MATT: (playfully)

What if they crept up behind you? Or pounced on you whilst you were sleeping?

KATRINA: (pretending to be insulted)

I’d know! I have witches intuition! Every witch has it…

DR MATT: (distracted)

That’s odd…

KATRINA:

What is? That a witch would have intuition? No… It’s perfectly normal! In fact I probably have women’s intuition too – women’s intu-witch-tion, if you like!

DR MATT: (laughing, but distant)

That’s an appalling pun, Katy… No… I actually meant – why have we stopped?

KATRINA: (dreamily)

We have? Traffic jam, maybe… Perhaps you should go and check with Robbo – that’s the driver, right? Whilst you’re there will you also ask if he’s single, please?

DR MATT: (slightly wary)

I think he is, yes… (Katrina makes an excited face) His wife ran off with the milkman… I believe it was the lure of discount yoghurts what did it in the end…

KATRINA:

Fair enough, I suppose! I’d do it for as much free double cream as I could bathe in!

DR MATT: (pretending to be disgusted)

Eww! Katrina…You’re nasty… Was that a euphemism? Isn’t double cream lumpy?

KATRINA: (laughing)

What? Why? No, it wasn’t a euphemism! I like my cream stiff, I’ll have you know!

MATT GOES TO THE FRONT OF THE VAN TO SEE WHY THEY HAVE STOPPED – IT IS STILL DAYLIGHT, BUT THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. THERE IS NO SIGN OF ROBBO – HIS DOOR STANDS OPEN… MATT PEEKS OUT AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE ROBBO BEING HELD AT GUN-POINT BY A MAN WEARING A MOTOR-CYCLE HELMET. THERE IS SHOUTING AND ROBBO TRIES TO ESCAPE… A GUN-FIRES AND HE FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD… MATT BACKS AWAY FEARFULLY – ABOUT TO WARN KATRINA WHEN ANOTHER MAN IN A HELMET APPEARS BEHIND HIM, RAISES HIS GUN AND CLUBS MATT ROUGHLY TO THE GROUND…

ANONYMOUS HI-JACKER: (looming over the cowering doctor)

We’re here for the cows – we hope you don’t object – there’s no sense in anyone important getting hurt; but we’re proud to take ownership of these mooing beasts!

KATRINA: (watching angrily from the shadows)

So… You think you can just take my cows… Then you’ve another thing coming, Mister… Bring it on… You’re no match for me – whoever you are…

THE TRUCK STARTS UP – THE MAN WHO SHOT ROBBO IS DRIVING AND HE CLIPS THE BODY AS THEY LEAVE – WE SEE IT DISAPPEAR OVER A RISE – BUT EVEN FROM A DISTANCE WE HEAR THE MOOING OF THE COWS…

Don't forget - my 12-track "lost" 2012 recording, THE KISS ME QUICK E.P. has just been released on Bandcamp at: https://shyyeti.bandcamp.com/album/the-kiss-me-quick-e-p and is available for just £2.

I was only going to post twice a week during April - but I still have a slight backlog, so let's see how things go until I go away at the end of the month. With that in mind I am pleased to be able to announce that next time - probably Wednesday - I intend to share with you some new prose... All I am saying is that our next post is cat-related and that the post after that will most probably be another Shy Yeti sketch...

More soon!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

P.S. Before we go - just an update on where I stand on some of my other writing projects.

SHY YETI PROJECTS UPDATE - MAY 2016:

Books published today: 

KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 1 

Books in formatting: 

HOT STUFF - 2, KENSINGTON GORE - 2, BEAST OF FRIENDS - MOVIE

Books awaiting formatting: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 3, KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 3

Books currently being written: 

HOT STUFF!! SEASON 4, THE SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK

HOT STUFF!! SEASON 4 is almost completed in first draft and THE SHY YETI SKETCH-BOOK is a new collection of scripts about Shy Yeti - some of which have already been published on this blog. I am aiming to release a collection of these later in the year.

Pending projects: 

The next Mouse Of Commons book of short stories and novel... Date of publishing: Unknown.

Future projects: 

SHY YETI'S GRRR-EASTEST HITS, GETTING BLOGGY WITH SHY YETI

The first is a revised and compiled volume of all my favourite self-written poems over the last 25 years and the second is an on-going projects of new poems and stories as published on this blog between January 2015 and December 2016. Both projects will hopefully be released in Spring 2017.

I am also soon to begin work on HOT STUFF!! SEASON 5 and KENSINGTON GORE - SEASON 4

Projects published in 2016, so far: 

HOT STUFF - SEASON 1, A YETI WAY OF THINKING, THE KISS-ME-QUICK E.P.
This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2016.

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