Monday, March 01, 2010


THAT DAFT ANIMAL RIGHTS POEM I MENTIONED ON FACEBOOK...

Hello,

Having mentioned this online over the weekend, I feel I should probably post it up. It won't be in my next book DO YETI WEAR PYJAMAS in May 2010, but in the collection afterwards; however I will probably read it at my gig next weekend and maybe do a video for it at some stage.

I hope you enjoy it!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

“I’M ALL FOR ANIMAL RIGHTS…”


Listen, I'm all for animal rights…
But give them an inch and they'll take a mile!
Feed them a few starving deer on a hill top during the winter months –
Next thing you know they'll be demanding affordable housing…
Bus passes…
Bingo halls…
Their own cable channels –
With their own animal celebrities on them;
Selling hay and monkey nuts at massively reduced prices!
Do we really want that? All for the sake of animal equality?
I mean, I like badgers well enough;
But I'm not sure I want to be commuting to work with them all dressed in business suits;
Bowler-hatted and reading the Financial Times!
Competing with our kids over the best places at Eton…
I suspect a few of those badger families with new money could easily bag the best spaces!
Bright lot badger cubs, in the main!
No, I can really see all this spiralling out of control!
Animal rights equalling even more queues at the supermarket…
Angry mama fox growling at chav mother –
Over the last packet of Bowyers pork sausages…
A boy band made of bears; a bear boy band, if you will!
One panda - a grizzly - a koala - a polar bear –
And one scared closeted gay man dressed as a honey pot!
They'd make a fortune; singing old Cliff Richard tunes from the 1970s…
Maybe a few of their own compositions about pudding;
That remind one rather of The Bee Gees on a bad day…
I mean, do we really want that?
Simply for the sake of bequeathing a little more fairness on our furry friends...
Sloane Square full to bursting with upper class zebra gossiping about high fashion...
Literal clothes horses chomping rudely on their favourite sugar lumps...
The Kings Road and Oxford Street teeming with llamas in sunshades –
Tough-talking bull dogs barking at taxi drivers as snooty-beaked emu trot along in stilettos;
Showing off their bling, their new iPods; with their latest bright young thing at their arm!
Tigers with road rage on the M25 beeping their horns angrily –
At Mr and Mrs Smith and their 2.5 kids who are blocking the road;
Because they just had their wind screen wipers and hub caps stolen;
By a pack of teenage orang-utans on BMXs…
It's the beginning of a potential nightmare…
The Queen Vic or Rover's Return run by a husband and wife team of hippopotamus…
Dor-mice pick-pocketing Oyster cards because they’ve spent all their dole money on crack.
Lions taking all the best seats on the cheap flights out to Alicante…
Making eyes and licking their lips hungrily every time the air stewardess passes…
A slippery eel at Number 10…
Nothing new there then….
Listen, I'm all for animal rights –
But give them an inch – and you’ll soon regret it...

"I'M ALL FOR ANIMAL RIGHTS" Copyright Paul Chandler 2010

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