Tuesday, May 30, 2017

A SHY LIFE SUMMER PODCAST PREVIEW...

...BUT NO SPOILERS (PROMISE!!)

Hello beasties!

This week I want to tell you a bit about some of the forthcoming episodes of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST which I have been working on recently. I've stock-piled quite a few and have a load more yet to record on my run up to episode 100 and beyond...

Before we get on to that I'd like to share with you our most recent episodes, already published...


THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 79: OUR 8TH LIVE PRIDE48 SHOW!!


Here we are for episode SEVENTY NINE - where this time we join Mr Yeti for another live show full of voice messages - chat-room banter - one or two poems - live satellite link-ups and maybe a bit of chatter about the 1st anniversary of the podcast and the 15th birthday of our www.shyyeti.com blog. Thank you to Toppie Smellie for the use of a clip from episode 442 of The Smellcast. Our next episode, number 80, harks back to a time before Ikk The Alien arrived when Mr Yeti was missing the aliens. Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 79 was recorded on Sunday 21st May 2017, with all pre-recorded segments recorded on 28th April 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

79: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-79-our-8th-live-pride48-show

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 80: AN ALIEN UPDATE...


Here we are for episode EIGHTY - where this time we reflect on some dark times when Paul was really beginning to miss the aliens - but also celebrate how things have improved since Ikk has arrived on the scene. We also here a number of alien and Ikk-related inserts that have appeared on other little Pride48 shows so far this year... We also hear from the regulars and are treated to a number of Paul's daft ditties. Thank you to Nick Goodman for his appearance in this episode and also additional thanks to Big Fatty for the use of clips from his show, Big Fatty Online. Our next episode, number 81 - sees Paul, Ikk and Yeti Uncle John heading out to buy some books for the library - but finding a published diary with some revelations contained within. Paul is also back on Radio Wey and he catches up with a very special guest from the world of Pride48!! All this and much, much more!! Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 80 was recorded between the 26th February and the 25th May 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

80: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-80-an-alien-update


THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 81: BOOKSHOPS AND BATTLERS...


Here we are for episode EIGHTY ONE - where this time Paul heads to Oxford with Yeti Uncle John and Ikk to buy some books for the library - on the way he shares poems recently recorded on Radio Wey and also an exclusive interview with Scotty The Aussie-battler, Pride48 podcaster-supreme. Thank you to Scotty, Tim Mitchell and Nathan Jones for appearing this time!  Our next episode, number 82 - sees Ikk receiving a special gift from his Uncle Toppie from Pickle Hollow! I'm away on and off for the next couple of weeks - but I hope to have episode 82 with you very soon, so do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.  Episode 81 was recorded between the 17th and the 23rd May 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

81: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-81-book-shops-and-battlers







Moving on - I'd like to share with you some of the episodes that are to come over the next couple of months or so - leading into mid-Summer 2017... All titles remain provisional and are in no exact order as this has not yet been decided upon...

IKK'S PET PEEPERS

Listen in and see what happens when Ikk receives a box of Peepers from Toppie Smellie himself. The regulars are all quite supportive - although maybe one of them is trying to get rid of the little creatures... But who!?

THE HAUS OF BETTINA...

In which Paul, Dameus and Yeti Uncle John go to visit Bettina at home and are surprised by how big the house is where she lives... Will one of the team get lost in the maze of corridors? Will we finally get to meet Nathan? What is on the menu come dinner time? All this and many more questions will be answered!!

THE ALIEN TAPES...

In which Yeti uncovers some tapes that unearth a secret about one of Ikk The Alien's relatives... This leads to the aliens inviting he and Paul to help produce an alien boy band... When it becomes a success Charlie Grrr's attentions are alerted - could the aliens end up as the number one across all of the galaxy?

AN ALIEN DOCUMENTARY

In which Ikk The Alien presents a documentary about his time back on earth and introduces his alien colleagues to characters from THE SHY LIFE PODCAST and PRIDE48. 

FACTS AND FICTION

In which Paul and his friends discuss the blurring line between fact and fiction - in their previous writing projects and in the podcast itself...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RHYMES!!

In which Mr Yeti celebrates the 10th anniversary of his 2007 collection RHYMES BEARS STEAL PIES FOR...

BERT AND GERT GET THEIR OWN SHOW (PART 1 AND PART 2)

In which THE SHY LIFE PODCAST is turned over almost exclusively to Bert and Gert...

RETURN FROM THE OTHER DIMENSION (3 PARTS)

Exciting events take place when the Other Dimensional Paul returns to this dimension and decides that he wants to start doing his own show! Real Paul, Yeti Uncle John and others do their very best to prevent him from doing anything that could ruin the reputation of THE SHY LIFE PODCAST.

QUIZZED

This time on THE SHY LIFE PODCAST Yeti Uncle John is full of the joys of quizzing!

PODCASTING UNDERGROUND

Paul and some of the team get themselves locked inside the library podcasting studios and so they just knuckle down and carry on... Little do they know that they are not entirely alone...

VARIOUS VOICES / ZOMBIE

This time on the show we meet a number of guests - including a friendly zombie called Henry Moss and Gladstone McWhiskers, the Mouse Of Commons himself...

UNCLE JOHN - TOUR GUIDE

In which Uncle John is inspired by Toby to become a tour-guide - but there may be more to it than just showing tourists around London Town. 

SMALLER ON THE INSIDE

Mr Yeti decides to investigate the secrets of the Brompton Time-Machine and is surprised by just how far it gets him! I actually still have quite a bit of this to finish off - so don't expect this one too soon!

HALLOWEEN 2017

Yes! It is already recorded! In which Mr Yeti and Uncle John present a summer-time Halloween adventure when they visit a haunted house; there they encounter a ghostly show-off... and also a familiar face who is acting slightly peculiarly!?!

Of course I also aim to keep doing my monthly live show on the 3rd Sunday of every month... As you will have seen I did my 8th live show just the other day and in June I expect to do my 9th show AND my 10th - the latter being as part of Pride48's live-streaming event between the 23rd and 25th of June... I'm quite excited about this and have a particularly silly episode planned - I also expect to have a co-host for that show; more on that nearer the time...

As far as future episodes that I expect to be recording in the next few months - I certainly have plans to record during my trip to Hamburg in late May/early June and will also be recording a good deal of episode 100 in Jersey soon after. I will be in Dunbar and the local area (including Edinburgh) in late July and then in the Lake District in late August. I also have plans for a possible trip to Lille in the Autumn and then possibly Seville or somewhere warmish for my birthday in the autumn.

That's about it for now...

Next time I'll be reporting back from my trip to Hamburg - or, at least, I think that will be the plan!!

More soon!

Take care - yeti hugs,

Paul xx

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler 2017.

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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

MOONING WITH SHY YETI...

NO EXPENSE SPARED, THIS WEEK!! NONE AT ALL...

...Or should that be NO EXPENSE SPENT!?! Yes, that's more like it!!
Hello beasties!!


So, what exactly is going on? Okay... Let me tell you! This time we're taking a ride on a space rocket... Yup! A real, genuine... fictional... space rocket! Exciting, aye? I mustn't say too much - I don't want to spoil anything... Actually... I just realised... It's not actually a rocket at all - it's a train that can travel into space... A rocket train!? Gosh... Do such things exist? Well, they do in my head... Apologies if you were hoping for an old-fashioned 1950s b-movie space rocket. I do hope this isn't a deal breaker. But first up... It's been a pretty busy weekend - on Saturday night, 20th May 2017 I returned to Radio Wey where I was able to record a number of poems for an episode that I will be recording next week in Oxford!

The poems that I read were from 2012's SHY YETI STILL RULES OK compilation - as follows:

A LITTLE MOUSE
BECOMING MORE CAT-LIKE
COLIN THE CUSTARD-EATING SPIDER
GRANDPA'S WIG

Thanks to Tim Mitchell for inviting me back on the show! It was also good to hear material from Nathan Jones' new book.

Sunday was also busy - as in the evening it was time for my 8th live show - but more about that next week when I'll be posting the link for the live episode - which should be out by the end of this week...

Speaking of  little shows... Next up - and I know you're all desperate to know... 

What have we been up to on THE SHY LIFE PODCAST since last time? Well, this is what!!

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 78: THE DRINKS ARE ON ME!!


Here we are for episode SEVENTY EIGHT - where this time on the hunt for somewhere more social to hold a State Of The Podcast meeting, Mr Yeti ends up taking Yeti Uncle John, Bettina and Dameus Twinklehorn to a pub which he believed to have closed down... But all is well. It seems to be back! So... What is the truth of the matter? On the way to learning the truth we also stumble across a couple of familiar faces who have popped in on their way home. All this and there are also poems! It's all go! Our next episode, number 79, should be our next live show where we will be discussing the first year of the show. Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 78 was recorded between the 23rd and the 25th March 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

78: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-78-the-drinks-are-on-me

It took me a while to find the exact title for this episode - at one stage it was THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING PUB - but that is only a really small element of the episode... Following that it became STOP! YOUR LOCAL NEEDS YOU!! but that didn't seem to quite work either... I hope what I did select in the end fits slightly better! Let me know! Or maybe don't... ha...

Before we get onto the script I'd like to share with you a few more photos from my trip to Venice last November - as they go well to set the scene for the beginning of the new sketch.

























Next time we'll be sharing more podcasts and looking forward to some future episodes that I am planning to release over the next two to three months - drawing closer to episode 100...

More soon! Take care... Yeti hugs!!

Paul xx

PS I originally began work on this piece when on the 3rd November 2016, just before I was about to fly off to Venice for my birthday - hence the reason that the sketch is set there. In the end I returned to it in late February 2017 once I finished the previous sketch - it was completed on April 28th 2017 and was tinkered with until date of posting. Whilst working on it I also decided that this would be the last script in the first THE SHY YETI SCRIPT BOOK - so the script ends on a cliff-hanger. I'll be working on putting together a collection of all the 16 Shy Yeti scripts so far - and a few other extras - but I do have plans for a second book of scripts - which I will begin working on almost immediately.








SHY YETI AND THE TRAIN TO THE MOON!!

SETTING: Shy Yeti is asleep - but he is having a particularly bizarre and vivid dream...  We briefly see him asleep and then we actually enter his imagination! He appears to be in Venice - although it is clearly a dream version of the city which is not in any way accurate... All the same Shy is still recording for his podcast!

SHY: (slightly wearily as he looks down at his phone)

I don't know why you're doing that - none of what you're saying is going to be recorded... This is a dream and that is a dream recording device... Really! What kind of man attempts to record his own dreams anyway? Are you really that much of a egomaniac!? Well? I guess you are, right? Well, do what you want to do; record or don't record... Just don't expect too much when you wake up, alright!?

SHY SIGHS AND BEGINS TO EXPLORE HIS SURROUNDINGS - HE FOLLOWS A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT SIDE-STREETS - ADMIRING THE VENICE VIEWS - BUT NO MATTER WHICH WAY HE GOES HE ENDS BACK IN THE SAME SQUARE WHERE HE FIRST STARTED OFF...

(continuing to mutter to himself) This is exactly the kind of thing you expect from a dream - still, it's nice to get to explore Venice - even if it is only a dream version of it. Maybe I'll just sit in the square and admire the view - nobody can spoil my daydream if I just stay here and don't try and go anywhere...

JUST AT THAT MOMENT HE NOTICES ALL THE BENCHES IN THE SQUARE SIMPLY FADING AWAY - AS IF THEY ARE DOING SO JUST TO ANNOY HIM...

Now you're just being petty... How grown-up of you... Really!!

SUDDEN VOICE: (politely)

Hello, sir... Looking for a seat? I just happen to have a deck chair that you're welcome to use..

SHY TURNS, SURPRISED TO BE SPOKEN TO AS ONLY SECONDS BEFORE HE HAD BEEN COMPLETELY ON HIS OWN - HE IS EVEN MORE SURPRISED TO FIND WHO IS SPEAKING - IT IS TOPPIE AND HE IS DRESSED AS SOME KIND OF TRAIN TICKET INSPECTOR...

SHY: (exasperated)

TOPPIE! What are you doing here in my dream?

TOPPIE: (apparently confused)

I'm sorry, sir... Have we met?

SHY: (impatiently)

Err... Yeah... You're Toppie - I'm Shy Yeti... We're old friends...

TOPPIE: (politely)

Very good, sir... How pleasant...

SHY: (bemused)

Come on, now - are you still sure you don't recognise me?

TOPPIE: (straight-faced)

I couldn't possibly say, sir...

SHY: (resignedly)

Well, I suppose if you're a dream Toppie then you won't necessarily have the same memories as the real Toppie - not that the real Toppie's memory is exactly 100% at the moment as it is; although he tells me that it's getting much better, I believe.

TOPPIE: (slightly distracted)

I'm awfully glad to hear it... Would you like to follow me, please, sir?

SHY: (unsure)

Would I? I'm not sure... Where are we going?

TOPPIE: (informatively)

To catch the train, sir...

SHY: (in two minds)

Oh... I quite like trains... I like Venice more though... Still, it would be rather a nice day for a little train trip outside of the city, I suppose... As long as it's not too stuffy...

TOPPIE: (beaming)

It's a steam train, sir - plenty of ventilation!

SHY: (warming to the idea)

I must admit that does sound kind of exciting... I had no idea that they still ran steam trains in this neck of the woods! How absolutely marvellous!

TOPPIE: (enthusiastic)

You're going to like it, sir - it's tip top!

SHY: (bemused)

It's what? Tip top? Why on earth are you sounding so British all of a sudden? May I ask?

TOPPIE: (almost robotically)

I'm sorry, sir... Do you find it offensive? How British would you prefer me to be?

SHY: (awkwardly)

It's not offensive, no... It's perfectly tip top, I must say - only... Well... You ain't English, that's all - not even British... You're American! Had you forgotten, perhaps?

TOPPIE: (politely, once again)

Possibly, sir... This IS a dream, after all!

SHY: (enjoying the pretence)

Oh yes... So it is... Well then... About your business... Lead on to the train!

TOPPIE: (nodding and leading the way)

Very good, sir...

SHY AND TOPPIE HEAD ON - DOWN ALL MANNER OF BREEZY VENICE BACK-STREETS... EVENTUALLY THEY CROSS A BRIDGE OVER THE GRAND CANAL AND HEAD ACROSS TO THE RAILWAY STATION... TOPPIE IS LOOKING QUITE EXCITING AND USHERS PAUL QUICKLY TOWARDS THE TRAIN... THE JOURNEY THERE SEEMS TO PASS IN DOUBLE-QUICK TIME AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY ON THE TRAIN AND IT'S PULLING AWAY FROM THE STATION...

SHY: (with slight regret)

Aw... Goodbye Venice! It's been all too brief...

TOPPIE: (beaming, reassuring)

Don't worry, sir... Just you wait and see where we're heading... I think you'll find it beats even Venice!

SHY: (misty-eyed)

Hmm... I'm not convinced, but I'm open to the possibility, I guess; but I do so LOVE Venice...

TOPPIE: (chuckling)

Well, I'm sure it's very fond of you too, sir...

SHY: (slightly befuddled)

Toppie, you really don't have to call me "sir" - this may be some kind of weird dream - but...

TOPPIE: (politely)

I'm sorry... I think it's your subconscious that is making me speak this way... You see I think you secretly like being treated like a celebrity...

SHY: (with a sigh)

Hmm... I was going to deny it, but I think you might actually be right... Who wouldn't want to be a star, hey?

TOPPIE: (unsure)

I'm not so sure... You'd always have to be polishing your shoes...

SHY: (confused)

Say what?

TOPPIE: (sounding quite informed)

Well, if you were famous you'd always have your shoes nice and polished - you certainly wouldn't be able to wear Converse...

SHY: (looking down at his own favourite pair of Converse, with a frown)

Now you're being personal...

TOPPIE: (apologetic)

No... No, not at all... I'm just saying...

SHY: (dreamily)

Look, if we were genuinely famous then we could pay somebody else to clean our shoes...

TOPPIE: (surprised)

That's a bit lazy... A bit of a waste of money... Would you really do that?

SHY: (embarrassed)

YES! Yes... (tuts) Now you've pointed it out I feel a bit awkward even suggesting it...

TOPPIE: (beaming)

Oh... Don't feel awkward... Maybe yeti poets need that extra bit of pampering... You're a podcaster too - they're notoriously attention-seeking...

SHY: (confused)

But you're a podcaster too!

TOPPIE: (helpfully)

Which is how I know this... There's nothing wrong with it! Thank goodness for attention-seeking people... If nobody had the need to entertain us all then this world would be a seriously duller place...

SHY: (nods uncertainly)

I see what you mean... Yes, it would... (Shy pauses and looks around him) Are we going up a hill?

TOPPIE: (distracted)

I'm sorry?

SHY: (bemused)

It feels like we're going up a hill... I didn't think there were any hills outside Venice...

TOPPIE: (politely/calmly)

Oh no... It's not a hill, sir... We're actually going up into space...

SHY: (shocked)

WE'RE DOING WHAT!?!?

TOPPIE: (smiling, possibly through gritted teeth)

We're taking a little trip, sir... You knew that...

SHY: (concerned)

Yeah, sure... I just thought we were going to Milan or somewhere...

TOPPIE: (with a sigh)

No... Milan's not up in space - and we're going to space...

SHY: (panicked)

GOING TO SPACE!! That's all rather vague, isn't it? Which part of space? It's a big place, you know... We're not going somewhere dangerous, are we?

TOPPIE: (supportive)

No... It'll be fine... It's not far...

SHY: (worried)

Won't we need space helmets?

TOPPIE: (sympathetically, encouraging)

No silly... This is just a dream, remember... We do have crackers though...

SHY: (completely befuddled)

Crackers!? CRACKERS!? WHY CRACKERS?

TOPPIE: (calmly, attempting to explain)

We're going for a picnic, that's why - and the moon...

SHY: (with realisation dawning)

Is made of cheese, right? Aha!

TOPPIE: (suddenly coming over all serious)

Well, some of it is... But we don't encourage our passengers to go nibbling away at it... Many a visitor has gone chewing away at it only to discover the bit they were snacking on is actually moon-rock and I won't even begin to tell you quite how unpleasant a belly-full of moon rock can be once you get back down to earth.

SHY: (concerned, then curious)

I don't think I want to know, do I? So what about the moon cheese? Is it even edible?

TOPPIE: (pausing to consider his reply before continuing)

Well, yes... But it's very mature - so it's not to everyone's taste... To a certain extent it does actually replenish itself; but you have to be sensible and not take too much...

SHY: (impressed)

Goodness, Toppie - you know so much about all of this...

TOPPIE: (with a certain pride)

So would you if you'd been doing this job for twenty years,,,

SHY: (surprised)

You can't possibly have been doing this job that long...

TOPPIE: (chuckling)

Well, this is your dream... It feels like twenty years to me!

SHY: (thinking it through)

Well, I guess that if it feels like it is then maybe in a way it is... It's the actual truth - at least here in this dream... Best not to be too pedantic about it, I guess...

TOPPIE: (nodding in agreement)

You know, I think you're right... I'm glad you agree!

SHY: (curious/growing impatient)

I do... I do... So how much longer are we going to be stuck on this train?

TOPPIE: (patiently)

Travelling to the moon isn't something that one can do in just a moment...

SHY: (glibly)

Is it not? I thought this was a dream? Can't we fast forward through the boring bits, at least?

TOPPIE: (shrugging)

Oh well... I guess so... Fair point...

TOPPIE REACHES FOR WHAT APPEARS TO BE A LIGHT-SWITCH ON THE WALL, BUT CLEARLY IS SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MAGICAL. TIME SEEMS TO PASS FASTER AND THEN QUICKLY SLOWS DOWN AGAIN, BUT THEY ARE NOW ALMOST AT THE MOON...

(with a yawn) There we go! We should be arriving in about ten minutes...

SHY: (trying not to sound too grumpy)

TEN minutes!! Couldn't we have whizzed right through to arrival?

TOPPIE: (apologetically)

'Fraid not... I have to feed you..

SHY: (teasing)

To what? Or whom?

TOPPIE: (unimpressed)

Now! Now! Don't be silly... That is a terribly old joke, you know...

SHY: (with a sigh)

Sorry... Go on then... I must admit I am feeling a little bit peckish - although why exactly I need to eat in a dream I really don't know...

TOPPIE: (grinning)

Just go with it, right!?

TOPPIE HURRIES OUT OF THE CARRIAGE - RETURNING SECONDS LATER PUSHING A TROLLEY WITH A LARGE COVERED SILVER TRAY ON IT - THERE IS QUITE CLEARLY SOMETHING UNDERNEATH THE TRAY, BUT SHY CANNOT YET TELL WHAT IT MIGHT BE...

SHY: (nervously)

Are you sure this thing isn't going to eat me, Toppie?

TOPPIE: (growing embarrassed, attempting to reassure him)

Shh, now... No! Believe me... It won't!

SHY DOESN'T LOOK TOO SURE - ESPECIALLY WHEN THE LID OF THE SILVER TRAY IS REMOVED AND A WEIRD-LOOKING TENTACLED OCTO-SLUG CREATURE IS REVEALED TO BE SITTING THERE HAVING A NAP ON THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAY...

SHY: (disgusted)

Oh! No... It doesn't want ME to EAT it, does it? (Toppie winces)

SLUG-THING: (outraged)

Do I want you to do what? EAT ME!? You've been reading too much of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy series! Just because things like that happen in some worlds it doesn't mean to say that it will happen everywhere!

SHY: (apologetic)

I'm sorry! It's just that you were presented to me from under a silver tray, so...

TOPPIE: (trying to help matters)

My mistake - I can see where the confusion might lie...

SLUG-THING: (again sounding offended)

So, are you saying that you WOULDN'T eat me if I was offered up for your sustenance?

SHY: (lost for words)

Errr...

TOPPIE: (quickly)

He's a vegetarian - so the answer's yes, he wouldn't eat you whatever the circumstance...

SLUG-THING: (suspicious)

A vegetarian, aye?

SHY: (catching on eventually)

I am!?! I mean, I am... Yes, indeed...

SLUG-THING: (saddened, shaming)

Really, how barbaric - it's the vegetables that I feel sorry for...

SHY: (almost to himself)

I had that conversation once before with a bunch of tomatoes when I attempted healthy-eating - I got into some terrible trouble; nobody seems happy for you to eat them these days...

TOPPIE: (chipping in as he recalls)

It wasn't so long ago that we both encountered an alien trifle - or, at least - an alien that had taken on the appearance of one...

THE SLUG-THING DOESN'T LOOK TERRIBLY IMPRESSED AND SO SHY INTERJECTS...

SHY: (confused)

So, if you're not offering yourself up for dinner - sitting there upon that silver tray - then what ARE you doing? I mean, I was under the impression that I was meant to be eating before we arrive on the moon!

SLUG-THING: (coldly polite)

I'm actually here to take your order? Beans and chips - Sausages and chips or chips and chips...

SHY: (hopeful)

What about Sausages, beans and chips?

SLUG-THING: (incensed)

You can't have all three - that's really greedy!!

TOPPIE: (sympathetic/encouraging)

Oh go on, he's a growing yeti...

SLUG-THING: (giving in surprisingly easily)

Oh - alright then...

THE SLUG-THING OPENS HIS MOUTH AND BEGINS SPITTING DIFFERENT PORTIONS OF FOOD ONTO A PLATE - FIRST THE SAUSAGES - THEN THE CHIPS AND FINALLY THE BEANS... 

(lowering his voice) There you go... But don't tell everyone or they'll all want all three...

TOPPIE: (beaming)

Thanks... Look at him! You have made that yeti's day...

SLUG-THING: (suddenly impatient)

It's no problem - now take me back to the kitchen, please...

TOPPIE: (distracted)

Right-o... Won't be a minute, Shy... Eat up...

SHY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT JUST STARES AT HIS PLATE AS TOPPIE WHEELS THE SLUG-THING AWAY - HE STILL HASN'T TOUCHED HIS MEAL BY THE TIME TOPPIE RETURNS...

(confused) What's up? You need salt and pepper or something?

SHY: (taken-aback/disgusted)

SERIOUSLY!?

TOPPIE: (unsure)

What!?! Did I miss something!?

SHY: (still aghast)

Did you not SEE how that creature served up my meal? HONESTLY!?

TOPPIE: (not especially sympathetic)

Okay! No need to shout! Look, if you're not going to eat then I think we're about to arrive...

SHY: (losing interest in his food)

Oh... Really? I think I'm actually quite excited...

TOPPIE: (worriedly)

Now you will promise not to eat too much of the moon, won't you?

SHY: (reasonably)

Err... Yeah... Honestly I'm not expecting it to be terribly good anyway - it's been up there so long - how tasty could it still be?

TOPPIE: (wary, yet also trying to be encouraging)

I couldn't possibly comment - at any rate... Best just to use it as an excellent photo opportunity... First yeti in space and all that?

SHY: (unsure)

Would I even count for that - what about Simon Yeti? Didn't he go into space?

TOPPIE: (trying to sound like he knows what he's talking about)

Oh... No... That was more time travel - that's a little different...

SHY: (distracted)

Oh... Okay... Well, should we go then?

TOPPIE NODS AND THEN LEADS SHY OUT OF THE CARRIAGE AND TOWARDS THE NEAREST EXIT - APPARENTLY THERE IS NO NEED FOR A SPACE-SUIT, WHICH IS A RELIEF AS IT WOULD REALLY SLOW DOWN THE FLOW OF THIS LITTLE SKETCH...

SHY: (fascinated)

Oooh! I'm pretty much sure that I can see Venice from up here...

TOPPIE: (awkward)

That's Canada, Shy...

SHY: (making light of it)

Really? I'm surprised - it really does look pretty Venice-y.

TOPPIE: (mutters)

You need to get yourself a new atlas...

SHY: (mutters back, having heard him)

Possibly...

WITH THAT THE PAIR HEAD FROM THE TRAIN DOWN ONTO THE MOON'S SURFACE...

(surprised) It's not very pretty up here, is it - but I wasn't expecting much - I've seen it on the telly...

TOPPIE: (slightly exasperated)

What do you suggest? Flowers? There are no mice to eat the cheese before you ask...

SHY: (rolling his eyes)

Really? They're missing a treat...

TOPPIE:

No need to be sarcastic... (Shy does not reply - he seems to be distracted by something) NOW what are you doing?

SHY: (teasing)

What happened to calling me sir?

TOPPIE: (bluntly)

We're not on the train any more - and this isn't real anyway... You've had quite enough respect from me for one dream,,,

SHY:

Charming...

TOPPIE:

So what ARE you doing?

SHY: (busily)

Collecting space rocks, that's all... To take back... Even though they're NOT real...

TOPPIE: (concerned)

You can't do THAT!

SHY: (confused)

Why ever not?

TOPPIE: (nervously)

It's against the law!

SHY: (sarcastic again)

Really? What are you now, a policeman?

SHY LOOKS UP AND SURE ENOUGH TOPPIE IS NOW STANDING THERE ON THE MOON WITH HIM DRESSED AS A POLICEMAN...

Oh! Very funny... Alright! I'll put the rock back... Listen, I'm beginning to feel tired... Isn't it time to wake up yet?

TOPPIE: (vaguely)

I'm not sure about that - there are no more trains until next August!

SHY: (looking around and realising that the train is no longer there)

WHAT!?!

WE CUT AWAY HERE AND OBSERVE MR YETI ASLEEP - ALTHOUGH HE IS NOT ALONE - SITTING BY HIS BEDSIDE IS TOLSTOY, APPARENTLY READING MR YETI'S DREAMS... IN THE SPARE ROOM, TOPPIE'S COAT REMAINS ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR, BUT HIS SUITCASE IS GONE... TIME PASSES - IT IS MORNING AND MR YETI WAKES UP, HE FEELS SLIGHTLY DISORIENTATED AND NOTES A SMALL PATCH OF GINGER FUR ON HIS NIGHT-STAND BUT DOESN'T THINK TOO MUCH ABOUT IT... GETTING UP HE HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN, EXPECTING TO FIND TOPPIE THERE HAVING HIS BREAKFAST; BUT HE IS NOT THERE...

SHY: (only slightly concerned at this point)

TOPPIE!?! HELLO!? WHERE ARE YOU!?

SHY HEADS TO HIS BEDROOM AND IS SURPRISED TO FIND THE DOOR STANDING OPEN - TOPPIE'S CLOTHES AND BELONGINGS ARE GONE - AS IS TOPPIE HIMSELF... THERE IS, HOWEVER, A NOTE LEFT STANDING ON THE CHEST OF DRAWERS - SHY PICKS IT UP AND READS IT...

HI SHY! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP! I HAD TO GO SOONER THAN EXPECTED - DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE YOU! TALK TO YOU SOON! TOPPIE X

SHY FROWNS - FOR A MOMENT HE GAZES OUT OF THE WINDOW, AS HE TURNS HE SEES TOPPIE'S COAT ON THE BACK OF THE DOOR - GOING TO EXAMINE IT HE FINDS SOMETHING IN THE POCKET... IT IS TOPPIE'S PASSPORT...

(mutters to self) Now this isn't right... I didn't even know he had his passport yet, but... Well, he won't be going very far without that...

JUST AT THAT MOMENT THERE COMES A NOISE FROM THE FRONT-DOOR...

HAUNTCUB: (sounding urgent)

HEY! YETI! IT'S ME... HAUNTCUB... ANSWER THIS DOOR... THERE'S A PROBLEM! YOU'RE NEEDED, YETI... TOPPIE NEEDS YOU...

SHY IS SURPRISED, BUT IS ABOUT TO GO ANSWER THE DOOR WHEN HE PAUSES - FINDING SOMETHING IN HIS POCKET THAT HE HADN'T EXPECTED TO FIND THERE - IT IS A MOON ROCK... THE MOON ROCK THAT RECENTLY DREAMT OF...

HOW DID THE MOON ROCK END UP IN SHY'S POCKET? WHAT IS HAUNTCUB DOING AT HIS DOOR? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO TOPPIE? WHAT IS TOLSTOY PLANNING AND WILL HE SOON RETURN WITH EVEN MORE EVIL PLANS!?! 

TO BE CONTINUED...

This post and all contents are copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

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Sunday, May 14, 2017

MORE ABOUT "YETI DON'T FALL BACKWARDS..."


...AND SOME MORE SUPER VENICE PHOTOS TOO!

Hello beasties!

It's been a while since we discussed this - but with the second seasons of both KENSINGTON GORE and HOT STUFF!! due out in the next month or so, this is the last time that'll I'll probably discuss the YETI DON'T FALL BACKWARDS project, as published at the end of February. In this post I aim to share with you one of my favourite scenes from the new script-book - this time not to much a scary scene, but actually one of the dafter ones.


Just to remind you, here are the details about this exciting new script-book...


Here is the back-cover blurb on the new book...

We join Horner, Warren, Katrina and Colin as they head to Italy on an all-expenses-paid trip to Venice! But there is trouble in store – murder, in fact! What can be done? Who is to blame? Who will be “got at” next? The Beast Crew try to help whilst trying to avoid getting “bumped off” themselves!

Paperback Edition: £8.99 / 192 pages

http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/yeti-dont-fall-backwards-a-beast-of-friends-special/paperback/product-23078113.html

Hardback Edition: £13.99 / 192 pages

http://www.lulu.com/shop/paul-chandler/yeti-dont-fall-backwards-a-beast-of-friends-special/hardcover/product-23078067.html

At the end of this post you will find the first two scenes of the new script - last time, when the new book was published, I posted the first two scenes... You can still read those at the following link if you would like to:

http://thedaffypoet.blogspot.co.uk/2017_02_19_archive.html

As mentioned in brief at the start of this post, this time we have a scene from a little later in the story - set during a part of the story where a number of the team are being interrogated. I hope you enjoy it!


As you may have noticed by now - the new script-book is set in Venice - and so I also have a number of photos from my last trip there in November 2016!

But before we move onto those - here's a little bit about our most recent SHY LIFE PODCAST episodes...

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 76: PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS... OVERHEARD!!!


Here we are for episode SEVENTY SIX - where, whilst Mr Yeti shares some previously unheard conversations - Cromitty is busily playing a prank... Cromitty's prank involves recording private conversations in the podcast studio and  Yeti Uncle John, Bettina Du Pres, Charlie Grrr, Dameus Twinklehorn, Mr Yeti himself and also the aliens unwittingly release some red-hot gossip!! The previously unheard conversations are with Toppie Smellie, Nick Goodman and (briefly) Jay The Hauntcub - there are also poems! Our next episode, number 77 - sees Mr Yeti Catching Up with another esteemed member of the Pride48 community. It'll be out soon!! Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and I'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. This episode and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 76 was recorded on the 21st April 2017, with unheard conversations recorded between 28th October 2016 and 17th April 2017.

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

76: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-76-private-conversations-overheard

THE SHY LIFE PODCAST - 77: SHY YETI CATCHES UP!!


Here we are for episode SEVENTY SEVEN - where this time we are  catching up with Catching Up star Mike Lawson - over in San Francisco... We also hear from the regulars and Ikk The Alien reads the world a poem. Our next episode, number 78 involves a trip out to a slightly mysterious pub, where Mr Yeti meets a number of old friends and has a State Of The Podcast meeting with the regulars. Following that, episode 79 should be our next live show where we will be discussing the first year of the show. Do join us, won't you? Please email me at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk if you have any comments - you can even send me a sound-file and we'll include it on the show. The music is by Shy Yeti and Luca. All content of this episode is Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017. Episode 77 was recorded on the 9th May 2017. 

This episode can be downloaded on iTunes, Acast, Podbean and also from Soundcloud at the following link:

77: https://soundcloud.com/shyyeti/the-shy-life-podcast-77-shy-yeti-catches-up

Here are some of those photos from Venice that I mentioned at the start...





























Just writing these recent Venice has made me start thinking about when my next Venice trip should be; in fact I tweeted this earlier in the year when I was loading up more photos on Instagram.



Next time there will be more podcast news and quite possibly a new Shy Yeti script...

That's about it for now - except for the silly scene from the new script-book...

Bye for now - take care!

Yeti hugs,

Paul xx

EXTRACT FROM: YETI DON'T FALL BACKWARDS...

ACT 9: Somewhere deep inside the Police Station…

AT AROUND THE SAME TIME COLIN IS BEING FROG-MARCHED DOWN A CORRIDOR WHERE HE IS BROUGHT TO THE DOOR OF A LEAD-LINED ROOM WHERE IT IS INDICATED THAT HE SHOULD ENTER – THERE IS A FIGURE SITTING IN THE SHADOWS, A FACE THAT HE CAN’T MAKE OUT…

COLIN: (curious, slightly concerned)

Hello… What’s going on here then?

ANONYMOUS FIGURE: (kindly, slightly sinisterly)

Do come in, won’t you? There’s plenty of cake – enough for a week – maybe two!

COLIN: (unsure but tempted)

Well, I must admit that I am quite partial to cake – however…

SECOND VOICE: (slightly more friendly)

Come on, good fellow… Don’t tell me you’re really going to turn down cake – good cake too – it’s not the sort of cake that it is wise for one to refuse… (Colin turns, he recognises the voice to be Charlie’s) May I shed some light on the matter?

COLIN: (relieved)

Of course, feel free – please go ahead…

CHARLIE FLICKS A SWITCH AND THE ROOM BECOMES BRIGHTLY LIT – COLIN GLANCES AT THE SECOND FIGURE AND REALISES THAT IT IS, OF COURSE, SIMON… THERE IS NO SIGN OF THE POLICE AND CHARLIE IS CLOSING THE HEAVY DOOR BEHIND HIM – LOCKING THEM ALL IN…

(dismayed) Listen… What exactly is going on? No offense, Simon – but I’ve heard some upsetting rumours about you losing your marbles; so I’m not sure that I want to be stuck here with you and cake for company! Charlie clearly thinks otherwise!

CHARLIE: (enthusiastic)

Don’t worry – all shall be made clear pretty soon…

COLIN: (nervously)

Oh dear! Don’t tell me – you’re about to confess to the crimes!?

CHARLIE: (slightly taken-a-back)

Ah! No…

SIMON: (chipping in)

But I assure you that rumours of my madness have been deliberately exaggerated!

COLIN: (hopefully)

But the rumours of cake?

CHARLIE: (beaming)

These are all true… Do help yourself by the way! It’s good to share…

COLIN: (shocked, then apologetic)

“Good to share!” I never thought I’d hear that from your mouth… Sorry to be rude!

SIMON: (through gritted teeth)

No offense taken… Do please tuck in…

COLIN DOES JUST THAT – HE MARVELS AT THE RANGE OF CAKE ON OFFER TO THEM ON A TRESSEL TABLE AT THE FAR END OF THE ROOM… GINGERLY HE APPROACHES THE SELECTION, TAKES A CAKE AND HELPS HIMSELF TO SEVEN DANISH PASTRIES AND A PIECE OF APPLE PIE…

Good man! I like a wolf with a good appetite… There’s coffee too if you’d like; more than one variety too! We’re spoiling you, I know – but you’re worth it!

COLIN: (surprised by Simon’s jovial nature)

Err… Thanks… What’s up with you two today… Do you want something?

CHARLIE: (sounding innocent)

What DO you mean?! Maybe a little help – but nothing more…

COLIN: (suspicious, enlightened)

Oh, is that why you’re being nice!? Now it makes sense…

CHARLIE: (a little hurt)

I’m always nice, dear boy… Not that I like to broadcast such foul accusations; even though they’re true! It’s just that if rumours of my niceness get spread around then my reputation will never recover and we can’t be having that…

SIMON: (conspiratorially)

I’m nice too, but people leave you alone if you appear selfish, rude and thoughtless!

CHARLIE: (proudly)

I’m not really half as smelly in real life, either – come sniff me…

SIMON: (mouths)

I wouldn’t if I were you! (then aloud) You must be wondering why we’re suddenly acting so nicely? (Colin nods) It is a tad unusual, I admit… It’s the lead-lined room that is the biggest clue… Nobody can hear us, you see… Neither will they know if we choose to discuss the identity of the calzone killer… Yes, you did hear right!!

COLIN: (surprised)

Oh… Wow! Do you think you really know who he… she… is?

SIMON: (unusually solemn)

We’re not sure, actually – but it’s not one of Charlie’s publicity stunts I assure you!

CHARLIE: (vaguely embarrassed)

Although it did start off that way… Well, the party…

SIMON: (lowering his voice slightly)

He’s under new management and staging a giant New Year party in Venice and there being some exciting drama was what he was originally promised…

CHARLIE: (quick to explain)

Smoke and mirrors, yes – but not murder… Not anything that’d get anybody hurt!

COLIN: (nervously)

Well, presumably your management company didn’t actually go around killing people off just to drum up a little trade – that really would be going a step too far…

SIMON: (impressed)

No! But it was them who tipped off Giallo – the detective… He comes with a bit of a following – I believe that all the top killers dream of being hunted down by him…

CHARLIE: (chipping in excitedly)

He even has one of those Tweeter Pages online…

COLIN: (after a moment’s thought, confidently)

Listen, you want my opinion? We’re trying to confuse things too much again – it helps the actual killer if we tie ourselves in knots…

SIMON: (frustrated)

But we are ALREADY tied in knots… How do we get ourselves free again?

COLIN: (suddenly sounding very serious)

But these are knots that we have tied ourselves in – we can get ourselves out if we pay attention and reverse our actions… There isn’t an hour that goes by without somebody suggesting some new theory or the plot taking some new twist or other… We’ve lost track of the facts… All this business about your new year party turning into some kind of convention for serial killers all because Inspector Giallo was tipped off by your new management, Charlie – it’s nonsense…

CHARLIE: (trying not to sound too hurt)

It doesn’t sound nonsense to me – I think it seems quite likely…

COLIN: (sounding quite stern)

But where are the facts that the murders were done by different killers? We don’t have any ideas whatsoever about one murderer – let alone three!! We need to take time and think this through – not jump to too many wild assumptions…

SIMON: (lowering his voice slightly)

He has a good point, Charlie… There’s only been three deaths so far – not that we want more; but we’re lucky that it’s NOT been more….

COLIN: (chipping in)

Especially as there have been a fair few failed attempts…

CHARLIE: (sounding uncertain)

Yes… But all by the Calzone Killer…

SIMON: (trying to figure it out)

What if the “Calzone Killer” is just the cover for a number of killers? Either as a team, somehow – or without any planning or co-ordination… Who knows what his or her might be trying to achieve or what might be expecting to happen next…

COLIN: (musing matters over)

Or the distraction to disguise one particular murder that is yet to occur… Look, as grand as this theory about multiple killers may sound to an ego maniac like you, Charlie – I simply don’t think that it’s actually what happened in reality…

CHARLIE: (with faux disgust)

Simon! The wolf just called me an ego maniac…

SIMON: (laughing)

He’s very astute, isn’t he!?

CHARLIE: (chuckling)

He is… I always said that he was the brains behind that gang – that Horner fellow always acts like he’s the one in the know – but I always thought it was Colin…

SIMON: (dreamily)

I like Warren… He has a sort of innocent cuteness… I’m sure my mother would approve of him too and that’s always something you need to consider…

COLIN: (mutters)

Poor Katrina… She never gets picked at times like this… Listen, do you mind if I tuck in for another round of cakes – then we need to decide what we do next…

CHARLIE: (encouraging)

No… No… Help yourself…

COLIN DOES JUST THAT – TAKING HIS EMPTY PLATE BACK TO THE TABLE WITH ITS CAKE-BASED CONTENTS STILL PILED HIGH… HE BEGINS TO SELECT FROM A SELECTION OF DOUGHNUTS AND THEN CUTS HIMSELF A LARGE SLAB OF DELICIOUS CHRISTMAS CAKE… THEN HE PAUSES…

COLIN: (curious)

Look chaps… I don’t mean to be party pooper – but this is just meant to be a selection of cakes and pastries isn’t it? Nothing savoury…

SIMON: (brightly)

Sure… Just cakes… I put the order in myself…

CHARLIE: (beginning to look hungry again)

A good selection too – you’re to be congratulated…

COLIN: (nervously)

He is indeed – but if we take that into consideration then may I ask why on a table full of cakey goodness there is also a large dinner plate piled high with an Italian pizza… Not just any pizza either – those look suspiciously like calzone…

SIMON AND CHARLIE TURN TO LOOK AT THE TABLE TO SEE WHAT HE IS POINTING TO – FOR SUDDENLY THERE IS A PILE OF CALZONE SITTING THERE – OBVIOUSLY PIPING HOT AND QUITE RECENTLY DELIVERED…

CHARLIE: (outraged)

That’s IMPOSSIBLE… The way in here is locked – I know it is; they promised…

COLIN: (baffled)

Well, I never brought anything in – the guards brought me to you and I’d not seen any food for hours before I got in here with the cake because I’d been sitting out there in the waiting room whilst they decided what they wanted to do with me next!

SIMON: (not wishing to offend)

We weren’t saying you were the culprit – we’re just wondering how they got here?

CHARLIE: (with growing concern)

Is there a hole in the wall somewhere, perhaps? A trap door or secret entrance?

COLIN: (unhappily considering his suggestions)

Maybe somebody has been hiding underneath all the cake? It’s not very hygienic!

CHARLIE/SIMON: (jumping back in fear)

OH! OOOH! THEY MIGHT BLOW THEIR NOSE ON OUR PASTRIES!! OOH!!

COLIN: (intrigued)

Hey! Hey! I was joking about that last bit – how could anybody be hiding under the cake and yet the calzone still be piping hot? (Colin examines them and works out an answer) Look! That’s not steam… A least not heat… These calzone are frozen and are starting to melt due to the warmth of the room now that the door is closed!

CHARLIE: (alarmed)

Frozen calzone!? Is someone expecting us to bash each other’s heads in with them?

SIMON: (indignant)

I won’t do THAT! Well, not unless I’m having to protect myself from one of you!

COLIN: (attempting to call order)

Calm down… That’s exactly what they want us to do – panic… Start doubting one another until fisticuffs break out! Look here… I think this whole plate was surrounded by a lattice of ice – it wasn’t properly visible before here in the shadows and it’s only now that some of the cakes have been eaten and the doors have been closed that it’s begun to melt away… How ingenious!

CHARLIE: (sounding relieved)

So nobody has been in the room whilst we’ve been talking, Colin? (Colin nods and both Charlie and Simon sigh) One question… Is it still okay to eat the calzone?

SIMON: (nods his head, eager to learn)

That is a good question…

COLIN: (his mind buzzing)

Charlie! No, we can’t risk it… We need to finish our conversation – work out what we’re going to do and then I need to leave and find my friends; for all I know they could be in dire peril… (Charlie and Simon look upset) I know you find this whole matter quite confusing and that’s understandable – it’s very easy to get confused – to be unsure who to trust… You even end up doubting yourself sometimes – just don’t fall into that trap; be sure of what you do know and focus on that…

CHARLIE: (musing sadly)

Do you know what? It’s especially easy to get confused when you’re so hungry…

SIMON: (supportively)

That is probably what it is… You’re HUNGRY!

CHARLIE: (hopeful)

Do you think?

COLIN: (frustrated)

The room is FULL of cake, guys! You’ve both eaten plate after plate of them… Sometimes when you feel hungry it’s actually because you are thirsty…

CHARLIE/SIMON: (pretty much in unison)

Oh, no… We’re not thirsty…

COLIN: (sighing, sarcastically)

You surprise me!

CHARLIE: (chipping in)

Scientists have recently discovered that there are actually two forms of hunger…

SIMON: (adding helpfully)

In the same way that there are two key food groups – sweet and savoury…

CHARLIE: (attempting to explain)

EXACTLY… So you can be full to the brim with cake – the sweet…

SIMON: (adding his opinion)

But if you’ve not eaten any savoury then you can still potentially starve!!

COLIN: (laughing, slightly amazed)

Guys… You just made that up… If you want to eat the frozen calzone raw then just eat them – but woe betide you if they’re full of rat poison or glass…

CHARLIE: (mutters)

What’s his problem? Rat poison doesn’t hurt too badly does it, Simon?

SIMON: (muttering back)

I very much doubt it – unless you’re a rat, perhaps. My mother-in-law swears by it!

CHARLIE: (concerned)

Didn’t your mother-in-law die?

SIMON: (flippantly)

Eventually…

CHARLIE: (curious)

What of?

SIMON: (vaguely)

Mysterious circumstances the coroner said…

BACK AT THE HOTEL KATRINA AND HORNER VISIT WARREN IN HIS ROOM – THE DOCTOR HAS INSPECTED HIM AND GIVEN HIM THE ALL CLEAR!

HORNER: (apologetic)

Thank goodness you’re alright – Warren; I’m so sorry I didn’t get here quicker! At least you didn’t bang your head or swallow too much water! Lucky escape there!

WARREN: (clearly upset)

Lucky!? I really wouldn’t call what I just went through “lucky”, Horner… Didn’t you see? I was attacked… Attacked by somebody pretty much dressed up as me!

KATRINA: (calmly, but sympathetically)

Except you weren’t dressed as you; you were dressed as Var-ii in an attempt to scare someone into confessing to being the one who stuck her on top of a pizza! Whoever is responsible wasn’t happy that you were making fun of them…

HORNER: (frustrated)

So who was the other person dressing up like that and why? Do we know anything?

WARREN: (sounding weary)

My head aches far too much to think about any of this right now… Can’t you let me sleep and go bother Colin instead? Do you even know where he is? I’ve told you before – it’s never a good idea to let him off his leash in a strange city…

KATRINA: (disapproving)

Ooooh! Harsh! Inappropriate too… Presumably he’s still at the police station…

HORNER: (concerned)

Oh, blimey… He won’t be pleased – we really should have checked on him… We’ve been so distracted with all this… Perhaps we should call round there and see how he’s doing now? He might appreciate a bit of moral surpport…

KATRINA: (glancing at her watch)

Do we have time to do all this? Don’t we have somewhere that we ought to be?

WARREN: (unsure what is going on)

Gawd! What are you two planning? Is it dangerous? Please don’t wander off and get yourself bumped off because one of you getting killed would be one too many! I’m sorry – that sounds incredibly mushy of me; but you know I love you dearly!

KATRINA: (chuckling)

Aww… That’s terribly sweet, Warren… You are lovely… Sickly sweet, but lovely!

HORNER: (impatiently)

Mean! But there is somebody who we need to speak to – the one last person who we haven’t had a chance to catch up with yet… I think you know what I mean…

MEANWHILE, WARREN APPEARS TO HAVE DOZED OFF – HORNER SIGHS…

This post and all contents are Copyright Paul Chandler, 2017.

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